


The Brownie Sundae Catastrophe

by wraith816



Category: Big Bang Theory
Genre: Crack, Gen, Genderswap, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-04-23
Updated: 2009-04-23
Packaged: 2017-10-18 02:15:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,677
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/183869
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wraith816/pseuds/wraith816
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An enforced babysitting job and Leslie Winkle's latest project combine with some interesting consequences for Sheldon.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Brownie Sundae Catastrophe

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to lunachickk for the beta and the enabling.

At eight in the morning on the dot, Leonard and Sheldon arrived in the Physics Department in the manner they often did: in the middle of a heated argument.

"And anyway, most models of TIE Fighter don't even have shields," Sheldon pointed out. "They wouldn't stand a chance against an army of Daleks. So Daleks beat the Death Star and the galaxy far, far away is unceremoniously exterminated."

"You're probably right."

"No, I _am_ right. As I always am. You just rarely acknowledge it."

As they walked the halls, passing various offices and labs, their dispute was interrupted by a voice calling, "Good morning, Doctor Hofstadter."

The two turned to their boss' office, from where the greeting had come. "Oh, good morning, Doctor Gablehauser," Leonard said.

"Doctor Cooper."

"Doctor Gablehauser," Sheldon said.

"I was hoping you both would come by; I've got a little job for you today." Rising from his seat, Doctor Gablehauser came to the doorway, and a small boy, who had previously been hiding behind the desk, followed not far behind him. He leaned down and rested his hands on the boy's shoulders. "I'd like to introduce you to my nephew, Bryce. I'm watching him this week while my sister and her husband are in the Caribbean on their second honeymoon."

The boy looked more like a particularly primitive _Homo habilis_ than any offspring a modern person could've produced. He was about four or five years old at the most, with long, shaggy brown hair and a vacant expression. There was no spark of real human intelligence in his eyes, no sign that he was supposed to be, in fact, a relatively sophisticated life form.

"He's very advanced for his age and is showing a keen interest in science," Doctor Gablehauser continued. "Going to be a physicist just like your Uncle Eric, aren't you, buddy?" The boy grunted. "That's right. So, gentlemen, I'm giving him free reign of the lab today. I expect that he'll be well cared for."

Sheldon frowned. "I don't think…ow!" he cried out when Leonard stepped on his foot. "Why did you do that?"

"We'll look after him, Doctor Gablehauser."

"Thank you, Doctor Hofstadter. I'll be around to collect him this afternoon." He ushered his nephew out into the hall and closed the office door, leaving them alone with the boy.

As soon as his uncle was out of sight, Bryce seemed to sense that he was no longer under any decent kind of supervision; his expression perked up, and he immediately set about poking and prodding every object within his reach. He zoomed back and forth around the hallway, quick enough that Leonard was contemplating comparisons to The Flash. This was not going to be good.

Sheldon turned to Leonard. "Why did you stomp on my foot? That was completely uncalled for."

"Whatever you were about to say was going to get you fired again. Trust me."

"But now we're stuck babysitting a small child who by no means should be allowed to just cavort about a highly sensitive physics lab!"

Leonard sighed. "Look, this is just one of those things you're going to have to deal with. Your boss asks you to look after his nephew, you do it."

"Well, I think your reasoning is completely unsound."

"Maybe it is in your world, but out here where everyone else is living, we just have to go with it. Oh no, Bryce, don't touch that, please." Leonard went over to where he realized that Bryce was trying to rip down an entire bulletin board. He took the boy's hand and began to lead him down the hall. "C'mon, how'd you like to see a centrifuge?"

 

*******

 

"You were supposed to be watching him!"

"No, I was supposed to be doing my _job_ , which is solving the mysteries of the universe and letting others recognize my brilliance. Not child-rearing."

"You won't have a job anymore if we've lost Bryce! Just help me find him."

Leonard frantically threw open the nearest door, checked the room was clear, and moved on to the next door, all while Sheldon followed reluctantly behind him. All of the offices were empty, or occupied only by adults, none of whom had seen the missing boy.

After twenty minutes with no luck, Leonard said, "Maybe he left the Physics Department."

"That is a possibility, but there's still one more lab in this hall. And look, the door's ajar." Sheldon pointed towards it.

"That's promising. Let's go see if he's in there."

"Oh, wait. That's Leslie Winkle's lab."

"Yeah? So? C'mon, we might find him there."

"I don't want to go in Leslie Winkle's lab."

Leonard rolled his eyes, grabbed Sheldon's arm, and dragged him over to the lab. As they went into the room, Sheldon made a face at a handwritten sign on the door reading: _KEEP OUT. That means you, Dr. Sheldon DUMBASS_. "Just…c'mon," Leonard said.

Inside the lab, most of the room was filled with an incredibly large piece of equipment. The thing looked like some kind of giant laser, though no kind of laser that would be seen in any state of the art science facility. Instead it was more like something a particularly down-on-his-luck supervillain would cobble together from spare parts in his basement. There were random metal panels sticking out from odd places, Leonard was pretty sure a couple of the buttons had been scrounged from a game of Simon, and the whole base of the thing was covered in multi-colored blinking lights.

"Is she conducting research or starting her own small junkyard in here?" Sheldon asked.

"I don't know. She's been keeping a lot of her work under wraps lately. We probably shouldn't touch anything; we don't want her to know we were in here."

Just then, a giggle came from behind the mysterious machine, a soft, childlike sound. Leonard and Sheldon froze, going silent. Again, another hushed laugh from the other side of the laser. Signaling Sheldon to stay quiet, Leonard tip-toed across the room and over to where the noise had come from. Bryce was there, seated in front of what looked like the laser's control panel, happily playing with it.

"Ah-ha!" Leonard exclaimed.

Bryce looked up from what he'd been doing, and the moment he saw Leonard there, his eyes went wide. He jumped from his stool and took off quicker than Leonard would've thought possible, running right past Sheldon and out the door.

"He's getting away! C'mon, we have to go after him!"

"Leonard, need I remind you that it's highly unlikely that either of us could outrun a five year old and that therefore the probability of us catching him is very low?"

"We can't just let him run off."

"I beg to differ. I think it's a perfectly acceptable course of action. Or, more accurately, a course of _in_ action."

Leonard sighed. "Maybe if we give him a couple of minutes, he'll pick another lab to settle down in and we can grab him there." He walked back over to the laser control panel and took a moment to examine it. "Aw crap. I think Bryce did mess with the settings. Leslie'll kill us if she finds out. Come over here and help me try to figure out how to put things back the way they were."

"No. I am no longer taking part in this wild goose chase. I have much more important things to do than babysitting, and I couldn't care less about Leslie Winkle or her piece of so-called equipment. I'm going back to work." He turned away and walked towards the door.

"Sheldon, wait, this should only take a minute. I think he might have only turned this dial and hit that switch over there…"

Leonard flipped the aforementioned switch and the contraption began to make a low whining noise, which quickly graduated to a loud buzz. The laser came to life then, shooting out a wide bluish beam right in Sheldon's direction. Before Leonard could react, the machine made a loud banging noise, and a sudden blinding flash of light filled the room.

As quickly as the light had come, it disappeared, leaving Leonard blinking confusedly. "Sheldon?" he asked. "You all right?"

"No, I am _not_ all right!" Sheldon screeched hysterically.

"Oh god, what happened?" Leonard asked. He blindly stumbled over to where Sheldon had been, his eyes still recovering from whatever the laser had just done. It took a minute, but the spots in his vision began to clear, and the blurriness in front of him began to focus once more, and after another few moments, he was able to really see Sheldon.

Sheldon didn't look all that different. He was a bit shorter – though still taller than Leonard – and his features were a little softer, just a touch less masculine, but he was still Sheldon, mostly. Same eyes, same shape of the head, same short-cropped hair, same perpetually displeased expression. The only major difference was…

"Oh good lord, I have breasts."

"You're… you're…"

"I have _breasts_ , Leonard. Breasts! And I think I have a vagina! For the love of Spock, a _vagina_!"

"You've got…"

" _It turned me into a woman_!" Sheldon screeched, his voice now much higher-pitched. He started wildly fiddling with his clothes.

"What are you doing?"

"Checking to see if I really do have a vagina."

"Oh for…keep your pants on, Sheldon."

" _I am a woman_."

"Yes, I see that."

"A woman!"

Leonard pinched the bridge of his nose and said, "Okay, I don't know how this happened, but there's gotta be a way to reverse it, or maybe it wears off, or something."

" _Wears off_? We can't just sit here and hope it wears off!"

"Well, what do you want me to do? Mess around with this thing more and hope I can fix whatever it did to you?"

"Of course not! I'm not letting you use a piece of unknown, untested equipment on me, especially not when it's responsible for this in the first place. You and that demon spawn of a child have done enough damage, thank you very much."

"It's not like we can just announce that you've been turned into a woman and ask if anybody's got any ideas. What the hell are we gonna do?"

"Leonard, are you in here? Why is there a kid hitting people with a ruler in the hallway?" Raj poked his head through the still-open door, but the second he caught sight of Sheldon, his eyes went wide. He made a rather undignified squeaking sound and clammed up immediately.

"Oh great," said Sheldon, "he's gone into silent mode. He'll be of no help now."

Leonard sighed, went over to Raj, and pulled him into the lab. "Hey, you don't have to worry; it's not really a woman…"

"Raj, where'd you go?" Howard burst into the room, or came as close to bursting in as a person could when limping. "Holy crap that little kid can kick some ass. I barely got past him and his yardstick." He looked from Raj to Leonard, before staring straight at Sheldon. To Leonard, he said, "My, my, you've been holding out, having a lovely lady in the lab and not telling us."

"Actually, that's–" Leonard began.

Howard didn't listen though, just plastered on his cheesiest expression, got uncomfortably close to Sheldon, and said, "Bonjour, Mademoiselle. I'm Howard Wolowitz, world renowned engineer and significant contributor to most of NASA's recent projects. Who might you be?"

"I'm _Sheldon_! I'm not a woman! I am Sheldon, Doctor Sheldon Cooper!"

"He's telling the truth," Leonard said, "and it's not a prank. That's Sheldon. There was a little problem with this…whatever it is that Leslie's made, and it changed him into this."

"If it's not a joke, then prove it," Howard challenged.

"All right then. Wednesday, when you were in our apartment before Leonard came back with dinner, you were watching a movie on Lifetime in hopes that it would give you some sort of insight to the female mind."

"Ah, but what movie was it?"

"How should I know? I was far too busy reading the latest issue of Batman. And I have no interest whatsoever in your continued failure to understand women."

"Okay, it's Sheldon all right."

"All right, now that we've established that, can we _please_ figure out how to get him back to normal, for a Sheldon value of normal, at least? Do you guys have any ideas?"

"Well…" Howard leered.

Leonard gagged. "Ugh, Wolowitz, that's disgusting. You really will hit on anyone."

"What? He owes it to science and men everywhere to experiment and report on his findings. And who better to do this with than yours truly?"

"If you continue along this train of thought, I will have no choice but to ensure that there will be no future generation of Wolowitzes." Sheldon glared.

"All right, all right. It was just a suggestion. You don't have to get so uppity."

Raj tugged on Leonard's sleeve, and then leaned to whisper something.

"I don't know…" Leonard said. "That couldn't end well."

"What?" Sheldon asked.

"He knows a guy in the Biology Department who might be willing to take a look at you."

"Absolutely not! I always planned on donating my body to science, but not while I'm still using it."

Raj shrugged, and again whispered to Leonard, who translated, "He says that since it's Leslie's equipment, maybe we should find her and see if she can reverse it."

"Oh definitely not! I refuse to go crying to that waste of perfectly good neurons for anything, especially not this."

"And no can do anyway," Howard said. "Leslie's gone for the next two weeks. That conference in London, remember? The International Society of Female Physicists? I'd give anything to crash _that_ party, if you know what I'm saying."

"All right, well, standing around here isn't going to do any good. We need more information. Raj, you go try and find Doctor Gablehauser's nephew, and Howard, you see if you can find out how to get in touch with Leslie, just as a last resort."

"What are you going to do?"

"Sheldon can't stay here like this. I'm gonna tell Doctor Gablehauser he's sick and has to go home, and that we've left his nephew with you guys. I'll see if I can dig up anything relevant online. We can meet back at our place later tonight and figure out where to go from there."

 

*******

Leonard closed the apartment door behind them with a sigh. "If you're so uncomfortable, go change."

"I seriously doubt that I have any clothing of sufficient size to accommodate this anatomy." Sheldon motioned to where his t-shirt stretched across his newly acquired breasts. "All of my things will be far too tight."

"You've got that 'what would Jesus do?' sweatshirt your mom gave you last year. That'd be loose enough."

"But that's not astrophysics-related. Today's the second Tuesday of the month. I always wear an astrophysics-related shirt on the second Tuesday of the month."

"I think your clothing schedule kind of went out the window when you _suddenly turned into a woman_. Just wear the damn sweatshirt."

"Perhaps you're right. I'll go try it on."

"Yes, you go do that."

Sheldon went off to his room, and Leonard went immediately for the bottle of extra-strength Advil, shaking out the maximum dose and swallowing them dry. Headache hopefully taken care of, he grabbed his laptop, settled in his chair, and turned on the computer.

Sheldon reappeared a few minutes later wearing the sweatshirt and looking even more traumatized than before. He stood there for a moment, uncharacteristically quiet, before saying in a terrified whisper, "I _do_ have vagina."

"Um. Oh. Wow." Leonard stammered. "Um, I understand that this is weird for you, but can we please work on figuring out how to make you a guy again? We need to see if anything like this has been mentioned anywhere. Ever. In any way. I'll take anything at this point."

"So how are we dividing the research?"

"How about you take the whole field of biology and I'll take the entire science fiction genre?"

"No. I want science fiction."

"Okay, you can have science fiction! Just start looking."

Sheldon glared for a moment, and then turned towards the desk and his laptop. He pulled out the chair and sat, a look of dismay crossing his face. He stood and sat again, and again a few more times. "Oh no."

"What?" Leonard asked.

"This won't do. This won't do at all. You see, because women in the United States are, on average, 14.1 centimeters shorter than men, I've lost an unknown amount of height, which means that this chair is no longer in the optimal position."

"Well, lower it then."

"Lower the chair? I can't just lower the chair! It took me hours of testing to determine the exact perfect position for reaching the keyboard! I can't lower the chair and lose all of that work!"

"Oh for the love of… just sit somewhere else, Sheldon."

Again, Sheldon glared, but did as he was told, grabbing the laptop and situating himself in his spot on the couch. Things were quiet again for a few minutes, both of them tapping away at their computers. Then Sheldon started squirming.

"What now?" Leonard said.

"I can't work with these things." Sheldon poked one breast. "I don't know how women deal with them! It feels like they're constantly in the way, and this sweatshirt is still too tight. Not to mention how utterly disconcerting the lack of penis is proving to be."

"Oh, if only you _hadn't_ mentioned it…"

"This condition is not at all conducive to research!"

Leonard set his laptop on the coffee table, rubbed his temples for a moment, and said, "Look, you think that you're the greatest scientific mind of this century, right?"

"I don't _think_ I am; I _know_ I am."

"Yeah, well, then that clearly means that _you're_ the only one who can solve this problem. Do you really want to trust something this important to lesser minds?"

"Ooh, you're right. I certainly can't rely on you, Wolowitz, or Koothrappali to fix this. I suppose I must power through the discomfort in the name of science and my usual reproductive system."

"That's the spirit. Let's do this."

Leonard retrieved his laptop and was about to go to work again when Sheldon said, "Can we switch again? I'd rather do biology."

 

*******

 

Two hours later, Sheldon had disappeared into the bathroom and Leonard had diddlysquat to show for his search. All he'd managed to find was a lot of information on transsexuals, an account from two guys who said a witch had turned them female for a month, and an alarming amount of adult-rated fanfiction. None of which was applicable in their particular crisis. Resigned to the idea that the internet had failed him, he shut his laptop with a sigh.

"Leonard!"

It was Sheldon, calling out from where he'd barricaded himself in the bathroom. While talking to Sheldon through the bathroom door was usually an offense punishable by days of extreme whininess, Leonard figured he had probably a fifty-fifty chance that the current situation acted as a get out of jail free card. With a healthy sense of trepidation, he walked over to the door and said, "Yeah?"

"It appears that this body is at a rather inconvenient point in the menstrual cycle."

 

*******

 

 _Knock, knock, knock._

"Oh, hi, Leonard," Penny said when she opened the door.

"Hi."

"Did you need something?"

"Um, yeah. You see, Sheldon's having a bit of a predicament."

"Oh no. What's wrong?"

"There was a bit of an accident at work today."

"An accident? Oh my god, is he all right?"

"Uh, yeah, mostly. It's nothing life-threatening, but, um…you see…Sheldon's been turned into a woman."

Penny just stared at him silently for a moment, and then smacked him hard on the shoulder. "Oh my god, you are horrible! You made me think that Sheldon was actually in trouble when you were just pulling my leg."

"I'm not kidding. Sheldon got hit with a beam from some unknown apparatus and we're guessing that it somehow manipulated his DNA and has turned him into a woman."

"Haha, very funny. You got this idea from one of your comic books, didn't you? Or one of your Twilight Zone-type TV shows?"

"Penny, I know it's hard to believe, but I'm serious."

"Uh-huh. Of course you are."

"Look, I really, really wish it was a joke. There aren't words for how much I wish I was joking. But I'm not, so can you just come over and take a look at him and you'll see that I'm not kidding."

"Okay, if you wanna keep running with this, I've got nothing better to do right now and I'll humor you. Where is he?"

Leonard lead her back to his apartment and over to the bathroom door, where he called out, "Sheldon? Penny's here. Can she come in?"

"No."

"Sheldon, she thinks I'm pulling a prank and she won't believe me until she sees you. Please let her in."

He didn't answer, but the door knob did click to let them know it had been unlocked. Penny looked at Leonard and then opened the door and went into the bathroom.

Leonard didn't hear what they said in there, but five minutes later Penny came out, an indescribable expression on her face. She said, "That's Sheldon."

"Yes."

"He's a woman."

"Yeah."

"I'll be right back."

Penny headed back to her apartment, still looking somewhat shell-shocked. She reappeared a few moments later, arms full of hygiene products, painkillers, heating pads…things Leonard didn't even want to think about, especially in relation to _Sheldon_. He sat on the couch and tried to occupy himself with the television while Penny went back into the bathroom.

Though it seemed to take forever, Penny eventually returned to the living room and said, "Okay, he's not feeling too great, so I've got him situated in his bedroom. I've… _explained_ things and he should know how to deal."

"Oh good. And listen, thanks so much for coming over here and helping him."

"I'd say you're welcome, but…I think I'm gonna go now."

"Wait, what if he needs something else? I won't know what to do."

"You're a genius, Leonard; you can figure it out." She headed for the door. "Now I need to go drink. Really, really heavily."

 

*******

 

"Leonard!"

"Yes?"

"I need more midol."

"Okay, Penny left you some. I'll go get it."

"Leonard."

"What else, Sheldon?"

"I want some ice cream."

"We're out of ice cream."

"Well go get some."

"I'm not going to waste time at the grocery store when I should be figuring out how to fix you."

"I want ice cream. A sundae. With hot fudge and caramel."

"Okay, okay. Anything else?"

"And a brownie. And sprinkles. The rainbow ones, not just chocolate."

"All right. I'll be back in a little bit."

"Leonard?"

"Yes, Sheldon?"

"Can you bring me season five of Stargate SG-1 before you go?"

 

*******

 

"I brought your ice cream. Are you _crying_?"

"No! My eyes are just watering."

"You _are_ crying. Are you all right?"

"Daniel Jackson just died to ascend to a higher plane of being, leaving his friends and teammates to mourn," Sheldon said, like that should answer anything.

"Okay, well, here's your sundae. Enjoy."

Sheldon accepted the offered bowl, took a bite, and immediately made a face. "I asked for a brownie sundae, not brownie sundae flavored ice cream."

"There's a difference?"

"Of course there's a difference! The brownie chunks in this do not add up to the full size of a regular brownie, and they're _cold_. Oh, this is all wrong. Make me another one."

"I'm not making you another. Catering to your every whim isn't getting you your Y chromosome back, which is what we're _supposed_ to be doing because if I have to deal with this once a month forever I will end up slitting my own throat. So you are going to stay here, watch Stargate, and _leave me alone_ so I find out how to fix you!"

"I want a sundae with a brownie and hot fudge–"

 

*******

 

"All right, here's your ice cream, exactly how you asked for it, so no complaining this time," Leonard said, setting down the bowl in front of Sheldon. "What were you just reading?"

"Nothing."

"No, you just had a book, and you shoved it under your pillow."

"I did nothing of the sort."

"Yes you did." Leonard lunged towards Sheldon, thrusting his hand under the pillow to pull out the book that had just been stashed there. Book in hand, Leonard gaped. "You're reading _Twilight_?!"

"No I am not. I have no idea how that got there."

"Sheldon, I saw you reading it."

"Oh, I give up. All right, yes, I was reading it. Penny brought it over with the other…things earlier."

"I can't believe…you were the one who spent a full three hours last year ranting about how Twilight spits in the face of the traditional vampire mythos!"

"I think I perhaps judged it too harshly. Despite its myriad problems, I'm finding Edward and Bella's romance somewhat endearing. It's surprisingly enjoyable. Though I still don't quite understand what evolutionary purpose sparkly skin serves."

"What about Emma Frost?"

"Oh, yes, I forgot. Your point is taken." Sheldon took the book back from Leonard, opened to his previous page, and said, "I need you to go to the bookstore for me."

"What?"

"Penny only brought the first book. There are three more. So I need you to go to the bookstore and get me the sequels."

"I'm not driving all the way to the mall to buy you books."

"Will you drive all the way to the mall to buy me the movie? I'm given to understand that many women find Robert Pattinson 'dreamy.'"

"Goodbye, Sheldon."

 

*******

 

"What is that noise?" Raj said as he entered the apartment later that evening. "It sounds like a dying Wookie."

"It's Sheldon."

"Oh god, is he okay?" Howard asked as he came in behind Raj, holding a large, pink shopping bag.

"He's just not feeling too well right now. He's got, um, er…cramps," Leonard answered.

"Cramps…?" Raj asked. He looked at Howard, and together they said, "Oh. Ewwwwwwwww."

"Yeah. It's not pretty." Leonard sighed. "I've turned up nothing all day. Please tell me you guys found something that could help."

Howard shrugged. "I got the name of the hotel Leslie Winkle's in for her conference, but other than that? Nothing."

"Me neither," Raj said.

"So you guys didn't get anything useful at all?"

"Well, I did pick up some supplies in case this lasts longer than anticipated." Howard answered, rifling through his bag. "Let's see, we've got your basic lacy black panties, your little pink thong, lacy red panties…no bras unfortunately. The manager at Victoria's Secret called security on me before I could figure out cup sizes."

"That is definitely _not useful_. And also kinda creepy."

"We could always try the Spiderman route," Raj offered.

"Go on."

"Have a radioactive guy bite Sheldon and hopefully rewrite his DNA back to male."

"You know that idea has absolutely no scientific merit. And who the heck would be willing to expose themselves to radiation like that?"

"The bigger question is who would be willing to bite Sheldon?" Howard asked. "I'm definitely not going to."

"Maybe Doctor Gablehauser's nephew? He's certainly past teething age, but young enough that he might take a nibble given the right provocation."

"I don't think Doctor Gablehauser would like that," Leonard said.

"Well, that's all I've got."

Howard cringed. "It looks like you'll have to bite the bullet and call Leslie."

 

*******

 

"Hi, Leslie? It's Leonard."

"Hello Leonard."

"Yes, um, hi Leslie. How are you?"

"I am in a state most would characterize as 'fine,' other than the fact that my REM cycle has been interrupted. Is there a particular reason why you're calling me in the middle of the night?"

"Oh, crap, I forgot about the time difference. I'm sorry I woke you. And yes, well, there is, actually. A particular reason why I'm calling. Yes. A definite, particular reason…"

"This is a very inefficient way to make your point. Can we please bypass this and get right to what you're calling about?"

"Ah, um. Yes. It's just…you see…what's that piece of equipment you've been working on actually do?"

"I'm not permitted to reveal that information at this time. And you went into my lab? When the sign on the door expressly said to stay out?"

"Yes, but it wasn't my fault, or Sheldon's either. You see, there was a little accident…"

"What kind of accident?"

"Doctor Gablehauser's nephew got into the room and messed with the settings, and I tried to put them back, but turned it on instead, and Sheldon…he turned into…he turned into a woman."

"While I would normally assume that you're joking, I hear none of the typical indicators of amusement or deception in your tone, and since you have a reputation as an unusually substandard liar, I have to conclude that you are, in fact, telling the truth."

"Yes! Thank you for believing me. Now I need you to tell me how to change him back."

"Change him back? Why would I want to do that? Maybe that chauvinistic asshat will finally learn that women are just as capable in the scientific fields."

"Leslie, you know how annoying Sheldon is normally?"

"I am familiar with his normal attitude."

"Yeah, now imagine how bad he'd be PMS-ing every month."

"Oh." She paused for a moment, and then said, "You have a point. But that doesn't preclude us from leaving him in his current state for a period of time long enough to teach him a lesson."

"Yes, yes it does preclude that! I can't take this anymore!"

"That's not my problem."

Leonard sighed and said, "I hate to do this, but…if you don't tell me how to fix this, I'll set him loose in your office while you're at the conference."

"You wouldn't."

"Oh yes I would. Just picture what kind of havoc he'd wreak."

There was a long silence, like she was weighing her options before she answered, "Well played, Leonard. I'll do it. Given that you provide me with conclusive photographic evidence that this incident did truly occur."

"Yes! Okay, I can do that. It's a deal. Thank you, thank you, thank you. What do we have to do to get him back?"

"I'm not sure; that certainly wasn't its intended purpose. Though as side effects go, it's pretty amusing. If you get to the lab, I can tell you the original settings. That might reverse the change, but it's not guaranteed."

 

*******

 

"Okay, so I turned the dial as far as it'll go," Leonard said into the phone.

"That should be it," Leslie replied over the line. "Have the dumbass stand as far away from the laser as he can and flip the topmost switch on the right side."

"All right, I'll let you know in a minute how it goes." Leonard put down the phone. To Sheldon, he said, "Go stand by the door."

"I can't believe I'm relying on Leslie Winkle. I'd probably have better luck trusting Doctor Gablehauser's nephew," Sheldon muttered, but did as he was told.

When he was in place, Leonard flipped the switch. Like before, the machine buzzed and then banged, and the laser activated, followed by that same flash of light. It was only a moment before the light receded and the thing powered down, the buzz cutting off and leaving the room silent.

"Sheldon? You okay?"

"I believe so."

"Are you, you know…"

"Evidence suggests that I am male again, though we really should confirm."

"Oh thank god." Leonard let out a grateful sigh and grabbed his phone. "It worked, we think. Thanks, Leslie." He ended the call and went over to Sheldon.

Sheldon was, indeed, back to normal, it seemed. The breasts were gone, and he was once again his normal height. His features had returned to how they'd previously looked and his clothes fit properly. Leonard could've cried in relief, at least until Sheldon's hands went for his fly.

"Ugh, Sheldon, if you need to double check go do it in the bathroom."

 

*******

 

The next morning, they were back in Leslie's lab, both of them staring at the thing that had made the previous day a living hell.

"Are we sure this is the right thing to do?" Sheldon asked, still looking at the laser.

"What do you mean?" Leonard asked.

"As much as it pains me to give Leslie Winkle and a kindergartener credit for anything, this is a major scientific breakthrough; we can't just dismantle it. Who knows if this apparatus can be replicated for further study?"

"Sheldon, do you want to have a uterus again?"

"No, of course not."

"Then we're taking this thing apart."

Howard appeared in the doorway, saying, "Hey, Raj has got the truck right at the entrance so we can start loading this thing anytime you're ready."

"All right, just gotta turn it off first." Leonard went over to examine the control panel. "I'm pretty sure Leslie said this was the power button…"

For the third time, the laser went on, buzz filling the room, and Leonard had just enough time to cover his eyes before the thing blinded him again. After a minute, when he guessed it would safe, he took his hand from his face to check the damage he'd just done. He first found Sheldon, who was fine, back against the wall with a panicky expression, but still definitely male.

But then Leonard looked over at the door, where there stood a young boy, not more than ten years old, with a familiar haircut and Howard's too-large clothes hanging loosely on his small frame.

"Son of a bitch," Howard said.


End file.
